my current theme song...

"Androgyny"

When everything is going wrong
And you can´t see the point of going on
Nothing in life is set in stone
There´s nothing that can´t be turned around

Nobody wants to be alone
Everybody wants to love someone
Out of the tree go pick a plum
Why can´t we all just get along

Boys
Boys in the girl´s room
Girls
Girls in the men´s room
You free your mind in your androgyny
Boys
Boys in the parlor
Girls
They´re getting harder
I´ll free your mind in your androgyny

No sweeter a taste that you could find
Than fruit hanging ripe upon the vine
There´s never been an oyster so divine
A river deep that never runs dry

What you need
What you need
What you need
What you need
What you need
What you need
What you need
What you need
What you need
What you need
What you need

The birds and the bees they hum along
Like treasure they twinkle in the sun
Get on board and have some fun
Take what you need to turn you on

Boys
Boys in the girl´s room
Girls
Girls in the men´s room
You free your mind in your androgyny
Boys
Boys in the parlor
Girls
They´re getting harder
I´ll free your mind
I´ll free your mind
I´ll free your mind
I´ll free your

Boys
Behind closed doors and under stars
Girls
It doesn´t matter where you are
Boys
Collecting jewels that catch your eyes
Girls
Don´t let a soulmate pass you by

Boys in the girl´s room
Girls in the men´s room
You free your mind in your androgyny
Boys in the parlor
They´re getting harder
I´ll free your mind
I´ll free your mind

Boys in the girl´s room
Girls in the men´s room
You free your mind in your androgyny
Boys in the parlor
They´re getting harder
I´ll free your mind
I´ll free your mind
I´ll free your mind
I´ll free your

Boys
Girls
Boys
Girls


This lyrics are copyrighted by their respective owners (Garbage)

Carrot, Egg and Coffee

(Lifted the feel-good story from my sister's blog, Angela's Ashes. The comment at the end is mine.)

You will never look at a cup of coffee the same way again.

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what you see."

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.

Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg.

Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?"

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

***
Makes sense, huh? Boiling water is as tough as it gets. And how does one deal with it? Like a carrot, like an egg, or like coffee?

Sad, but I'm afraid I've slowly turned into an egg. Cracked shells and all, but hardened nonetheless. As much as I would like to "change the water," sometimes the only way you'll survive is to remain hard.

The coffee changed the water, giving it flavor and aroma. But not without any profound change in the coffee itself. Boiling water can do that to you. You get boiled long enough and you lose all your flavors. You become a lump of washed out grains.

What about the end result, you say. The nice cup of coffee that would surely brighten someone's day. See, that's just it. You work so hard to make others happy. But at the end of the day, you look at yourself and realize you have already given so much that you have nothing left for yourself. Just a bag of washed out grains.

I'm bitter. This was supposed to be an inspiring entry. Inspired by the coffee. But I still end up admiring the egg's tenacity to remain just as it is - an egg.

The carrot? It's a soggy mass. Let's leave it at that.

God I need to get laid.

RE: hey

Hi Ry,

Read your email last Monday but I haven't had time to reply. We decided not to get the wifi internet at home since the connection is so irregular, and I haven't had time to drop by an internet café, so I haven't even updated my blog yet.

Updates - well, I finished one painting a couple of weeks ago - when I got sick and had to stay home. Another watercolored naked lady, with a bottle of Johnny Walker. And I'm currently on my 'southern' phase - got pretty excited after finishing Fried Green Tomatoes for the umpteenth time, that I decided to reread Divine Secrets of Ya-Ya Sisterhood. After this I just might decide to reread Gone with the Wind, if only the copy you gave me isn't too bulky to lug around. (Remember the first edition book you gave me, which you took from your aunt's book collection hehe). I usually do my reading in trains on my way to work; would actually be better if I can write while riding the train, but can't. For one thing, my longest train ride is only 25 minutes, just enough for me to get all revved up and raring to write. At which point I have to get off the train, and transfer to another train, which is just another 5-minute ride. (I spend so much time walking and waiting than actually riding.)

I wish you'd finish all the required short stories so you can join - and win- that contest. God grant me the time and the creativity to actually do some writing. But since God is still working on my other requests, it would be nice if you can email me some of the stuff you've written so far. Maybe it would jumpstart my writing without any divine intervention. :P

[L]

***

its 5:21 and I haven't slept at all...ha! nothing earthshaking there except that look what happens when you simply just let go of your worries; I've been stressing out lately on issues that I'm quite sure I've probably told you about in some form or another, resurrected from time to time, so I'm doing us a favor by not going into details. Suffice it to say that some cliches work- I mean, we've pretty much convinced ourselves to be of such superior intellect that we think we're impervious to sunshiney-positively cheerful isms like "let go of your worries; there is nothing to fear but fear itself".

Turns out I'm stupider than I thought because it works. I was able to sustain it for an entire day that I've finished some due projects I've been procrastinating over, completed and had a blog up and running for our high school reunion, fed 10 dogs (7 puppies there) without growing ballistic and other odds and ends that would normally throw me off into another altogether different tangent..

But it seems to be too much of a good thing that I just went on up and beyond two rented VCDS (Apocalypto and The Pursuit of Happyness), tons of old movies, back to emailing again before my eyes gave out (but did not drive me to sleep), tons of cable and a jaunt outside just after 4:30 hoping to catch the Perseids though no such luck making a ton of wishes coz the sky was cloudy.

And yes, I washed (soaked) my D&G shirts (my new uniform) and all my good underwear because the new maid has had serious Taurine deficiencies as a child; can you actually imagine having to fish out your briefs, all tangled inside, and I mean inside the thick, insulated padding, of a comforter?????????

Pearly Shells had been Doyet's maid and it seems that for a whole lot of people nowadays (not only hired help), the validating mechanism seems to be text messaging; I seriously doubt the existence of rumored fiances or lovers, but it does give Pearly Shells a nice smile when her Pinoy Big Brother alert tone comes on.

Sadly, that is the only company I seem to keep most of the time....it's begun to rain and I'm thankful I had been up all night because shortly after 2:30 it began to rain and all my shirts were outside; I have a bank appointment and a meeting with a client later in the afternoon and I would have obsessed to death about my outfit had circumstances forced me to wear something else.

I'm thinking of breakfast, like another humongous German frankfurter, Hokkaido mackerel, scrambled eggs and rice.

Doyet is just pressuring all of us to go to New Zealand already as if we can just leave everything behind- of course we can, but being able to and attempting it are clearly two different things. Clearly, I'm trying to find a reason to stay- just for a little while you know- to taste this brief transition of semi-independence and the "writer's life" that I've been aspiring for. But the creative output is slow in coming which is really not a surprise; somehow I can't help but compare youth's premature ejaculatory tendencies and profuse creative output with maturity's sloooowwww climax..ha!!

Ay naku, another contest printed and tacked on my to do list board; NCAA has upped their annual writer's grant to 250 grand for a short story collection..deadline is Dec. 31st with an initial submission of 3 stories...I already have a theme and a title (Dark Nation) because syempre, they're looking out for big themes with a national scope. All 12 stories are built around 12 thematic words; Future, Past, Present, Sex, Death, Family, Horror, Gothic, Love, Salvation, Hope and Fear. It's going to have the pop quirkiness of Zafra but with more eloquence and grace of tone; the wit and restraint of Dalisay, but with more youthful edge; and the weight and mastery of language of Ungria, but more accessible...

Ha ha ha..parang totoo, but who knows....I actually tried to describe my fictional writing style there, or what I actually try to aspire for...but I'm going to try and try and gosh, it's another cliche there ladies and gentlemen...but who knows???

This time, all the cliches-the good ones- are actually working in our favor.....

loves..ryan

Closing Cycles

Closing Cycles
By Paolo Coelho

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters - whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents' house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden? You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won't take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill. None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back. Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.

That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts - and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place. Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the "ideal moment." Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person - nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important. Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.


"Love is a commitment of the heart that will stand the test of wavering emotions, intellectual rationalizing, circumstantial allure, hormonal infatuation, and even the wounds of your lover. Anything less is not true love."

_______________________________________________

so tired

I don't know why but I've been feeling so out of it lately... actually eversince I got sick, maybe even way before that. I just feel sooooooooooo tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I feel like I have nothing to give anymore; I've been sucked dry and all I have is this shell of a person just trying to do what needs to be done.

I wanna go back to my writing, do some painting, do the laundry, clean the bathroom - anything, just to get me out of this rut. The laundry and the bathroom are easy - in fact, they're up there on my weekend to-do list; but the writing and the painting? I need time for that, which I barely have these days.

Jess said I need a stress-free vacation; Kauban said I should be easy on myself; Crimson said I should catch up on my sleep; the Byronic Hero said I need a break; my mom said I should ask my boss for a raise; Ry said I've been writing some 'raw naked truths' here in this blog which utterly shocked him. I say - Amen.

***

Pages from my moleskine, captured by my caffeine-filled, unsteady hands:

This made me laugh...

This has been going the rounds of email, but have you actually seen him with Natalie Imbruglia herself?

Torn

home sick :(

This is the third day that I'm home sick. Fever is gone, but the wooziness remains. Although this isn't exactly the kind of 'vacation' I want, I'm still grateful that somehow I've been granted some time to rest, to sleep, to stay in bed the whole day. My entire body may be screaming bloody murder (this is how it feels getting old - when everything literally hurts), but at least I don't have to rush anywhere, to beat any deadline, to force myself to work work work.

Tuesday night I was dead to the world, with a reminder for my little girl to wake me up when she gets hungry so I can prepare dinner. But when she finally woke me up, all I had to do was eat. Food was ready - she prepared everything herself! Washed the dishes, cooked rice, prepared the food, set the table. It was touching.

This incident made me realize two things: first, that my baby's no longer such a baby, and second, there would always come a point in our life that we would have no one to rely on but each other. And I find it sad that at her young age, she's pretty much aware of this.

***

Too much stress over the past couple of months has finally caught up with me, hence this illness. Which may be psychosomatic, or my body's way of reminding me to slow down, to stop worrying. (Even now I can't stop worrying - I feel guilty for being sick; guilty for missing work; guilty for not being 100% me for my baby.)

***

It's amazing how some people can totally forget their responsibilities. Sometime last month, I spent a couple of weeks playing hide&seek and merry-go-round with the outlaws trying to make them shoulder at least half of T's tuition fees.

After almost a week of trying to set an appointment with T's grandpapa, I finally managed to waggle an appointment, hoping that he would at least realize the responsibility that his son has conveniently forgotten. Surprise, surprise, when I finally met up with him, guess who was there - the son. Who actually had the temerity to bribe me with a post-dated check that's not even his (it was his dad's), covering not even a third of what I had already spent for during T's enrollment. He wanted our address, and T's school, in exchange for the check. But T has specifically told me that she doesn't want her Pappy to know where she's studying now, and considering how much embarrassment he has already caused the kid in her previous school, I knew I had to respect her wishes. Besides, I don't want to feel like a prisoner in my own house, which was how he made me feel before T and I moved, when he would barge in unannounced, and act as if he had every right to stay there, to make a scene there.

After two hours of hoping our conversation would at least lead to something, I finally walked away. I won't sell my peace of mind. And I definitely will not beg for something that he actually owes me and T. That guy has no sense of obligation! But then again, if he had it in the first place, we wouldn't have broken up.

Not getting his share of T's tuition has messed up my finances big time, but will I even try to approach them again, and sell whatever's left of my self-esteem? Hell, no. But God I just feel so bitter that T and I have to do a great deal of belt-tightening while he lives in his freaking mansion with his maids and his cars, and doesn't have to worry about bills and all. And he's wondering why T doesn't want to see him anymore?

Isaksak mo sa baga mo yung chekeng hindi naman sayo.

(They think that I'm keeping T from them. What they don't see is our weekend struggle, when I would convince her to go to their place, to no avail. I finally promised her that I'll never bring it up anymore, that if she wants to see her Pappy, all she has to do is tell me. That made her happy.

Oh, a funny thing - when I was trying to convince her to see her Pappy at least once a week, she asked me if we can make it twice a month.

"Ok," I said. "So when do we start?"

"After I graduate from high school. Mamy, malapit na yun, six years na lang."

Wehehe...)

***

Anyway, my current theme song:

Boston

Augustana

In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun...
Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed... you said...

You don't know me, you don't even care,
You don't know me, you don't wear my chains...

Essential and appealed, carry all your thoughts across
An open field,
When flowers gaze at you... they're not the only ones who cry
When they see you
You said...

You don't know me, you don't even care,
You don't know me, you don't wear my chains...

She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice...
Boston... where no one knows my name...

No Expectations

This is something which I've been trying so hard to practice lately - not to expect anything from anyone, and to appreciate every single thing a person does for me and Tonic. It's hard, especially if, after a stressful day at the office, there's this great urge to be pampered, but I still end up coming home to a messy house, unmade bed, and dinner waiting to be prepared. Or when I wash the dishes, take out the trash, create a semblance of order in my messy house, and still push to make it to work on time, knowing that after I work my ass off, I'd still have to do housework upon arriving home, and I'd still have to worry if we'd have enough cash to make it until next payday. Or when I'm multi-tasking in the pre-dawn hours, wanting desperately to go back to bed but knowing that I couldn't afford it, wishing for someone to help me prepare Tonic for school (which includes preparing breakfast and lunch and her clothes and her school stuff), but knowing that I'm basically alone, that raising Tonic and doing things for her is my sole responsibility, and I shouldn't expect anyone to share that responsibility full-time. And not expecting anything somehow lightens the load (or perhaps it simply pushes me to work harder, without the sama ng loob), and keeps the peace.

Somehow, I just try to appreciate the times when help comes unexpectedly, when I happen to be the recipient of random acts of kindness, when somebody does not merely offer a shoulder to cry on, but actually shoulders what should have been my work. Every morning, on my way to work, I thank the God and the Goddess, for all the help and blessings that have come my way, for all the people around me who have been acting as Their channels in showing me that in spite of how alone I sometimes feel, I have people cheering me on, helping me out. Gratitude can indeed spell the difference between a good day and a bad one. And gratitude comes with appreciation, instead of expectation.

Read on...

From Unoffendable (adapted from Francis Frangipane)

False Expectations
Unrealistic or exaggerated expectations inevitably will cause others to fall short and offend us. Some desire their spouse or pastor or friends to meet their every need. However, at the deepest level our soul was created to find its security in God, not man. When the Almighty truly becomes our security, our peace flows from our awareness of His love and unlimited capabilities. As people who put their confidence in God, we can live comfortably with imperfect people around us.

Still, the very power of our expectations can choke out the sweetness of a personal relationship. Suppose that, instead of burdening people with our expectations, we simply learned to appreciate them for themselves - no strings attached. What if we approach family and friends with gratitude for what they are doing rather than disappointment for what they failed to do?

Suppose that a husband, instead of expecting a full course dinner from his wife each night, learned to appreciate whatever she was able to offer him? Then, instead of his failed expectation degrading into an offense, there would be a living, sincere appreciation for the food his wife prepared. I know we have arrangements by common consent, but in reality, a wife is under no obligation to cook special meals or do housekeeping. You did not marry her to be your housekeeper, but to become one with her.

Or imagine a husband who works a long, tiring job. However, his wife expects that he will work another two hours at home or go shopping with her or listen attentively about her problems. What if, instead, she welcomed him at the door and sincerely thanked him for daily giving himself to support their family? What if she met him, not with demands, but with appreciation? Perhaps she might even massage his shoulders and, because of love, have his favorite meal prepared.

You see, expectations can seem like legitimate aspects of a relationship, but they can also cause us to be disappointed and offended when people fall short. I have known situations in the past where my expectations actually blinded me to the efforts being made by a loved one. They were trying to improve in an area I was unaware of because my focus was preset upon a different expectation. I should have been grateful and encouraging.

Of course, today I discuss issues and expectations with those close to me, but the weight of my expectation is not on others, but upon myself to be Christlike and sensitive to those around me. I put a premium upon enjoying the uniqueness of others, sincerely thanking God for their contribution to my life.

me and my moleskine

Thank you, Ry. And yes, because of my pretty moleskine, I'm again trying to write. With emphasis on trying. Sigh.

My wish? - To be able to fill the entire journal with essays and sketches worth showing to anyone who cares.

Wish me luck...

Connie Talbot

My bestfriend the hermit showed me this video and yes, this is amazing. This is actually the first time I heard about this show (I'm not a TV person, sorry), and I don't give a damn about it (unlike some people who are so into what's that show - American Idol... love you Ry), but manohmanohman, this little girl is amazing.